Are you there electronic gods? It’s me, Alison.‏

19 Apr

Dear electronic gods,

Everything has been going wrong lately and I need your help.

A few weeks ago, my 2004 black Nissan Altima, who I like to call LaFonda, was acting funny. LaFonda was making a “glug, glug, glug” sound and a jerky motion when I was braking. In case you are a man reading this (because I know we speak a different lingo when it comes to cars), the wheel was shimmying whenever I would come to a stop. Whether you speak the language of Mars or Venus, it turns out that LaFonda needed new brake pads and shoes. Fine, no problem, that happens to all cars eventually.

Well, a few days later I was walking to my car after a long day’s work and I was excited to go release some stress at spin class, but to no avail LaFonda wouldn’t start. Her lights started flickering like something possessed in the movie Poltergeist. Her battery was dead. OK, I know that also happens to all cars eventually, maybe not in the same week as the brakes failing, but I can deal with that.

Seeing as I had a lot of stress in my life due to the car, I got on the treadmill to let out some pent up energy. I was listening to my iPOD and after only a few songs it froze – it turned into an icicle, which didn’t help my workout since it provided about the same level of satisfaction as a sharp piece of frozen water. I tried it a few days later while I was walking on the trail at the park and it did the same thing. It suddenly had become exhausted after playing just the twelfth song. It turns out the iPOD needs the exercise more than myself.

I then proceeded to load a new album onto iTunes even though my iPOD had been hijacked by a demon spirit and would not co-operate. Lo and behold, the computer would not load the entire album because it had run out of disk space. Fifty MEGAbytes left on your hard drive won’t get you very far.

Now, before you go on to believe that I bring this on myself because I am terrible with the way I handle my appliances, let me stop you. I have had the same cell phone for the past two and a half years, which should probably go in the Guinness Book of World Records under “The Last Person in the World to still have a Cell Phone with the word ‘Cingular’ on it.” In addition to that, I have had the same camera for two years, the same microwave for three years, and the same TV for nine years, just to name a few examples. So, even the most skeptical of minds can see that I’m pretty good with handling electronics, contrary to what one might believe.

So, nonetheless, I was on my computer trying to free up disk space and I started deleting programs that I haven’t used in a long time. The computer said that I had not opened Quicktime in four years, so I deleted it. And along with that program, iTunes vanished. Apparently, iTunes runs off of Quicktime – so into thin air disappeared all of my songs.

A few days later I was vacuuming my apartment with the Eureka vacuum that I bought less than a year ago (while singing “Lola, L-O-L-A, Lola” – that song always gets stuck in my head for a few days after hearing it on the radio) and all of a sudden it took its last breath. It was like the vacuum had sucked in all the air it could and refused to finish the chore. The dirt canister was full, so I emptied it out and plugged the vacuum back in, thinking that would solve the problem. But it did not.

Then, the icing on the cake was when I went to use my hair dryer on Monday morning and it would not turn on in any electrical outlet. It, too, had died, may it rest in peace.

So to sum it up, in a few weeks time I’ve had a spastic car, a lazy iPOD, an obese computer, an asthmatic vacuum, and a suicidal hair dryer. Now, I know I did something to piss you off for all of this to happen. But, I did not mean to do any harm to you, electronic gods, or your minion appliances that are so abundant in our everyday lives. So, please, I beg of you, make everything function again. I promise to be a loyal servant in your kingdom of technology. Thank you.

Your appliance-less servitor,


2 Responses to “Are you there electronic gods? It’s me, Alison.‏”

  1. Anonymous April 20, 2009 at 4:23 pm #

    Maybe you need to check your polariztion and see if you need a tune up?Mom

  2. Anonymous April 20, 2009 at 11:04 am #

    LOL fantastically funny.

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